What’s the harm in holding out?
Q: I have been stuck in a painful marriage with my child for fear of being bad for my child. I can hardly bear it anymore. What should I do?Chen Man: You’re wrong.It’s not your children who are keeping you in a miserable marriage. It’s you!I know you’ll argue and argue about how this child’s presence has held you back, how much easier it would have been without him…All right, then we can make a bet.If let you now to ask your children, understand children inner real ideas, make clear what would rather live in parents hate each other in the family, parents still prefer to separate peacefully, there will be no bickering and resentment, and as long as the child to your break up, you’ll get ready to divorce immediately, dare you do it?What do children know, you might retort?This is an adult matter, from whether to divorce by my own decision, how can listen to a child nonsense!Yes, in fact, you know this truth, you know between adults should not be put on children, so why do you use children as an excuse?At the end of the day, it’s your decision to stay together.I understand that your decision not to divorce is also based on realistic considerations.Maybe it’s because you don’t have enough money to raise a child, but you can’t afford to give him or her custody.Perhaps because you worry about the opposition of parents and elders, worried about the gossip around;Maybe you are afraid of social discrimination against single-parent families, and you are afraid that your divorce will have a bad effect on your children in the future…Yes, divorce is not an easy decision to make.But in any case, you must take this heavy responsibility on your own shoulders and not on your children.The more you shirk adult responsibilities, the more you harm your children.Of course, I know you must not have meant to hurt your child, but made the wrong decision based on a common misunderstanding.You force yourself to stay in a miserable marriage under the delusion that families need only a semblance of integrity and that only divorced or separated families are bad for your children.In fact, a good relationship between parents is what really enables children to have a functioning family and a healthy and happy childhood.And that’s something you and your partner can’t fake any more.Think about it. You have your own social circle, your own career and other personal lives, but you still find your marriage unbearable, and your children, who have nowhere to run but home and school, are unlikely to be happy!Kids may not understand what’s going on between adults, but they’re actually more sensitive to your emotions than adults.It’s not just direct parental abuse that can be harmful to a child. Conflict and tension between parents can also be harmful to a child’s psyche.For example, children in families where parents are always fighting and are cold to each other tend to be cautious, afraid of being involved in family conflicts, or feeling responsible for the differences between parents, resulting in feelings of anxiety and self-blame, instead of growing up carefree like other children.They are forced to get involved too early, and they are under more pressure than their children should be.A seemingly complete but imperfect function of family, the parents of these performance have a negative impact on children: (1) emotional instability, capricious when you feel pain in marriage for a long time, it is hard to keep a stable mood, often reveals the status and irrational emotions, such as runaway roar loud, throwing things, slam the door, and so on.These seem to be small things, but will cause constant panic for children, living every day “do not know whether the parents will suddenly rage,” they will feel the world is very dangerous, in a state of stress for a long time, there is the slightest move will be afraid.Children who grow up this way tend to be extremely insecure and find it difficult to trust others and form stable, intimate relationships as adults.”If it wasn’t for you, I would have gotten divorced!” many mothers will tell their children.Can you guess how the child felt when he heard that?Children feel that they are a burden to their parents, a stumbling block to their happiness, a source of their pain.In the long run, it will lead to a lower level of self-esteem, the formation of low self-esteem, self-deprecating personality, and even life can not be free from their parents’ denial.③ Because of the partner’s actions and anger children some couples emotional discord of the family, will be the child as a demonstration to each other’s hostages and tools, or instigate children to alienate, despise the other side, constantly say bad things about each other;Or manipulate the child to do their own “spy”, from the child there to spy on the attitude of the other party;They may even cut the child off from one of their parents and force the child to be separated from them.As a result, children struggle to cope with parental manipulation and have to hide their true feelings.If you find yourself engaging in any of these behaviors, alarm bells must be ringing. This means that even if you maintain a semblance of integrity, the whole family is dysfunctional enough to ensure the healthy development of your children.Many women will feel that the pain of marriage can only be endured by themselves, in fact, everything is better blocked than sparse.Avoiding problems in your marriage and family is not only frustrating to you, but also deeply damaging to your children.I am Chen Man, not sentimental not hypocritical rational school, for you to analyze the most useful truth in marriage.Remember to pay attention to us!If you want to talk, let me know. We’ll listen to your stories and solve your problems.